Trust

It looks as though the time honored tradition of the women of my family to really cook their babies to a nice well done state is alive and well!  Traffic to the blog has picked up significantly since the good old due date came and went so I thought this morning I would give you a little update that yes we are still waiting and tell you a little story about how I'm coping (or not coping, depending on the moment) with that.
When I was growing up my mom had a set of Angel cards sitting in a little metal shot glass on the kitchen window sill.  The cards each have a word with a little drawing of an angel depicting that word.  She would pick one from time to time and she would encourage me to pick one either to just give me something to think about or to answer a question or to focus my energy as I headed into a particular task or event.   I loved those cards as a kid.  After I moved out, at some point I must have decided that I wanted them because they now live in that same little metal shot glass on my kitchen window sill.  What I'm not sure about is if I stole them from my mom or if I asked first or if she gave them to me... ooppss.  I am starting to realize that I may have a bit of a habit of sneaking things I want out of my mom and dads house, sorry guys, I'll try to work on that. 
Anyway, so I often find myself picking a card out of the little glass when I need some inspiration or something troubling is going on or I need to change my mindset.  Way back in late summer/ early fall of last year, I found myself struggling emotionally a bit as Jerry and I waited and waited to find out if we were in fact going to be taking the first step of this parenting journey.  I wanted the answer to be yes so badly but there was only so much control either of us had in the process... at some point, I had to give up on the control and the planning and just let it be.  That's a daunting task for me.  I also kept letting my mind wander out to the crazy land filled with question land mines like "Will we be good at this?" "Can we handle this right now?" "Will it all go well?" "WHAT ARE WE DOING?!?!"
So one morning, I was standing in the kitchen looking out the window and the angel cards caught my eye.  I thought, "Well, let's give this a shot".  So I grabbed them and stood there for a minute focusing my thoughts and energy on not just pregnancy but our role as potential hopeful parents in general.  I thought about pregnancy and getting answers to our questions regarding that, but I also thought about more than just that. 
When I pulled a card... it was as if a light bulb turned on, someone smacked me in the back of the head, and I took a long cool drink of calm the heck down all at once.  The first and only card my fingers touched said quite simply "Trust".  I thought to myself "oh... right... trust.  I can do that."  I honestly don't think there is a more powerful and meaningful word in that pile, a more simple reminder of a shift in mindset that makes all the difference in the world to me.
That Trust card has been sitting outside of the rest of the cards on our window sill since that morning and I find myself looking at it often.  It's become a mini-mantra of mine throughout this pregnancy.  When I was mildly freaking out at the beginning that I had made the whole thing up and they were going to institutionalize me.. I needed to trust.  When the planning and the questions and the lists seemed overwhelming, I took a deep breath and told myself to trust.  When I worried, I needed to trust.
Now here I am, back in a strikingly similar emotional place to those first few weeks before we knew that the answer was yes, back feeling like I'm in a "special sort of hell" as I told Jerry yesterday, and sitting there on my window sill is a little card reminding me to Trust.  Trust myself, trust my body, trust our baby, trust... trust... trust.